Testing times

Regular readers will be aware that I was recently barred from becoming a superintendent under the Direct Entry Scheme, on the grounds that I entered the service many years ago.

I couldn’t submit a grievance because the ACPO team was either suspended, on remand or touring on the PCC’s bus. However, the Employment Tribunal went well with the sworn affidavits from BCU commanders stating that, as a staff officer, I have no knowledge of operational policing whatsoever proving crucial.

The recruitment process started with the Knowledge of Modern Police Leadership Test. I had prepared by watching a boxed set of Z-Cars. Some people have complained that selection has been outsourced but I have to say the private company’s staff were extremely helpful, especially with translations and when we got stuck. I was rather surprised when they demanded a fee though. Here are some of the questions and answers I gave…

In which public order situations would you deploy water cannon? ‘All, naturally’.

By what title should a chief constable address a PCC? ‘Your Majesty’.

Whom should recruits salute? ‘Everyone’.

When should a senior police officer procrastinate? ‘Not sure’.

When should senior police officers brief their staff? ‘Seldom, unless by chance they know more than the team’.

What is the role of the PCC? ‘To prise the lid off a tin of paint by rotating the tin and applying gentle persuasive pressure around the rim’.

The last one was tricky and I was glad I was able to text the PCC and share her answer.

I got on splendidly with the other candidates. The bishop and the dancers were especially nice. It is a shame that so many retired jockeys have applied just as we are about to disband the mounted section. I may be prejudiced but I have doubts about the magician but the chief thinks he will be a big help with the crime figures. We all moved on to the Bleep Test.

I was devastated to be told that I had failed. They could have at least waited until I got out of hospital. I think the magician tripped me up but I cannot be sure, I was watching his hands at the time. I would have asked for another go but by the time I got my breath back the examiners had packed up and left the gymnasium. When the ambulance crew eventually broke in they told me that my age and weight, having spent 17 years stuck behind a desk and drinking pints of Pina Colada to relieve stress, had combined to make me collapse.

Anyway, here I am, back sat behind my desk. The chief has been reinstated, although his relationship with the PCC remains strained. On a more positive note the deputy chief constable has announced that he has moved in with her and asked for compassionate leave while they convert her tour bus into a campervan

It is good to see things returning to normal. Pass me the pineapple…

Yours,

Stitch

stitchley@policeprofessional.com

@SOStitchley