On a charge

Our Texan chief constable remains unhappy with his title and has asked to change his name to ‘commissioner’ by deed poll.

He is beginning to agitate for reform, and has generated a lot of publicity. He began by demanding the reintroduction of the death penalty, citing it as one of the key traditions that have made Texas great.

He suggested that electrocution should be on the sentencing menu for a wide range of offences, including cattle rustling and land grabbing. We have tried to explain that although these types of offending may be a problem in Texas they really aren’t much of a problem around here.

He has responded to these arguments by persuading the recently reinstated graduate entrant ex-magician, who is once more in charge of data management, to report that it is under-recorded – there have been two confirmed offences of rustling and one of land grabbing in 18 years.

The chief has, in what seems to be an attempt to win favour with the Green Vote, promised that the executioner will only be allowed to use electricity generated from wind turbines, and that the executions will take place during the off-peak period.

He has also tried to link reintroducing the death penalty to current campaigns to reduce reoffending, claiming that no one who has been electrocuted has ever gone on to commit another offence. This is true, but I am not sure that it is totally convincing. Any progress that he may have made with environmentalists has been undermined by his strong support for fracking, which he seems to equate with drilling for Texan oil.

His assertion that ‘If God didn’t want us to use gas he wouldn’t have put it there’ has been challenged by a number of disparate groups, some religious, many not.

The chief is also taking a firm line on the new uniforms. Gone are the days of open necked shirts, uncovered heads and unpolished boots. Supervisors are now required to ensure that bandanas, Stetsons, boots and spurs are worn, and worn correctly, no matter how many foot patrols hobble onto the sick list.

The dancing girls who joined as direct entrants have generated very significant levels of press coverage with their new outfits, but they have been overshadowed by the chief’s decision to lead a raid on the stately home of the Marchioness with whom the deputy chief constable is residing.

The warrant has been challenged. It referred to incidents of mud wrestling ‘between the wars’ but didn’t specify which wars (I think they were the First and Second but I could be wrong).

The team confiscated several reels of film, but as yet cannot find anything to play them on. The Marchioness seems interested but unconcerned, and she has asked for a copy of the DVD if they manage to burn one.

At the resultant press conference the chief was asked why the entire incident had been filmed by a prominent press agency based in the Middle East. He replied that they had the largest available helicopter, and that having only spoken to them on the phone he had thought that they were Welsh.

I never thought that I would miss the previous chief constable so much, he had his faults but at least I could understand him when he was annoyed.

Yours,

Stitch